Losing someone is hard. Losing a parent is hard. Losing what could have been is hard/ memories, experiences.
Almost six years ago I lost one of my best friends. She wasn’t only a best friend to me; she was also my mother.
I had spent my whole life with her. She knew everything about me and now she was gone.
Three months before my wedding I lay with her in hospice care as she took her last breath.
Losing her was hard. Losing someone you love is hard. Losing a parent is hard. Losing what could have been, was hard. Losing the one person who knew you since birth was devastating. Memories and experiences I hadn’t thought to ask about gone with one slow shallow breath.
I would lose so much. She would lose everything.
My wedding, what we had dreamed about since I was a little girl, gone.
Her first grandchild, and becoming the Nana she wanted to be, gone
Seeing her second grandchild born (during a pandemic no less), gone.
I gave birth alone as I had no other family to watch my son and I knew he needed his father more than I did. And I missed my mom even more.
I miss her voice, not sure if I remember it.
I miss hugs when I’m feeling down
I miss not being able to ask her if I was like my kids growing up.
I miss her so much
And what saddens me the most is that she can’t be here in the way I always thought she would.
I knew she would die eventually it’s a fact of life but I didn’t know she would be gone so fast. Gone before I was ready. Ripped away leaving a gaping hole that can never be filled.
Every day I try to do something for my children in the way my mother did for me. Every day I remember her. Every day I wonder if she is ok and if she is lonely. Every day I remember how much I was loved. Every day I remember how much I loved her. Everyday life goes on without her here.
This is one major life event that shaped me into the person I am. And it changed me in every way, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Because without having loved and being loved I wouldn’t have those wonderful moments, memories and experiences that pull me through the grief.
What is a pivotal moment that changed you? Good or bad, happy or sad? I would love to hear from you.
Looking forward to connecting with you,